it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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