Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
