with your own penis?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Randomize
