From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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