I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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