I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
