my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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