Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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