Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
