i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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