I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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