my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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