I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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