Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
