i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
