Will you blow on my dice?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
