I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
