atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
