2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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