He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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