I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
