I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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