I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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