the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
