Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
