The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
