he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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