I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
