Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so let's talk penis.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
