he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
