I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
