Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
