You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
