My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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