there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
