They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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