i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
