Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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