I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
