I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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