So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
