Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
