I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
