yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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