My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
