So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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