chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
