I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
