he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
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This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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