Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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