just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
